It's A Jungle Out There

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Ingrid Cathy Martinson
Ingrid has sworn off carbs publicly, although in secret she'll buy an entire 12 inch French Baguette at lunch which she finishes in the backseat of her Kia Soul. She's an advocate for sensible footwear, it's one of her favorite topics of conversation.
By N.

Peter Arthur Sinclair
Peter formerly taught Woodworking at St. Bartholomew's Institute of Divine Enlightenment until they changed his position to Gym & Health instructor. He often gnaws on his arm when he is anxious about explaining menstruation to 7th grade boys and girls.
By N.

John Michael Andrews
John thought to himself: "The most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life just walked past me in a green dress. It was emerald green, the dress. I thought maybe she took the subway here from Oz. The good witch that drops a house on a bad witch and saves the day. Time slowed as she walked past me. It felt like the air was heavier, but maybe it was just the humidity. I continued to move at normal speed and made my way back to work."
By Mike Chick (Yawn Mower)

Millie Martinez
Millie thought to herself:
"After you're spent all your sugar and salt on other figures; playing chess with your pieces, never touching but close enough; there's left but bran and maize to feel full upon."
By Nicholas Maratta (Cantations)

Donny Ableman
Postman who gives at least a handful of families the wrong mail daily because of dyslexic tendencies.
Passive aggressively bends the envelopes marked "do not bend".
By N.

Nico Sokolov
Formerly Russian mob, moved to the US because he spilled a plate of Borscht on the head of the KGB and was afraid for his life. Works at Whole Foods as a butcher, loves his work.
By N.

Isla Adams
Australian weightlifting champion, moved to the states to compete. Lost her eye in a salad fork incident at the Waldorf Astoria. Not a fan of Starbucks and lets everyone know it tastes burnt but drinks it black anyway. Pronounces her own name Is-Ler.
By N.

Desmond Lucius Montgomery
Creator of the hit two step, the New Carolina Boogie. Lost his fortune after investing in Doorism— a failed religion in which prophets were said to have appeared through closet doors in suburban midwestern towns.
By Shaun Simon (Comic Book Author)

Sara
Sara is a librarian who sincerely loves her job and finds satisfaction with most of her life choices. She is of modest means, but doesn't care. Sara does not have an ounce of jealousy in her heart. She loves her cozy one bedroom apartment fifteen minutes from the ocean, her cat "Beans" and her boyfriend, Sal. She works tirelessly on a fictional novel about a surrealist painter living in a small French coastal town who is arrested for a mysterious murder in Paris. Her friends all secretly hate her.
By Renee Maskin (Folk Artist)

Robert
He complains everyday that the world is going to shit as he tosses lit cigarette butts at school children as they walk by. He owns the bodega that only has Pepsi Products, stale bread and Taki's.
By N.

Helen
She "can't even". Everything is a struggle as she orders her Venti Iced Caramel Macchiato with almond milk and an extra shot of espresso and she groans loudly when the cashier asks can you please repeat that. She once met Daniel Baldwin and mentions it to everyone.
By N.

Aasma
Gives death looks to people who pronounce her name Ass-Mah as she corrects them quietly under her breath, "It's Oss-Ma, it means heaven, which is ironic because this is hell". Bi-curious but too shy to date anyone currently.
By N.

Father Tom
A priest who uses all the churches money to gamble at OTB on 34th Street. Sometimes he steals from Robert's bodega.
By N.

Mark
He's secretly murdering you in his mind but if you give him a look like "wtf is your problem dude?" he'll give you that tight lipped white boy smirk with a head nod.
By N.

Susan
She will not be fat shamed. Her cholesterol level has turned her blood to Crisco but she's comfortable with that, this is her choice.
By N.

Audrey
Former ballerina who they based Black Swan on. She hates animals and children, but loves her cat Sofia.
By N.

Qian
Awful graphic designer who sent in signs to the Jones Funeral home with the misspelling "funreal" on all their business cards and pamphlets.
By N.